Sierra (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
draconicseraphim) wrote2014-01-02 04:30 pm
draconicseraphim) wrote2014-01-02 04:30 pm
2014
2014... It's official, it's now 10 years since I left high school.
6 months ago that thought had me disgusted and terrified. I remember driving home one evening and realizing that the coming school year would be the mark of a full decade since I left high school. That was enough to send me into a vicious "sneaky hate spiral" a downward spin of increasingly dark thoughts about how high school reunions are supposed to be a chance for the underdogs and the downtrodden to show what they've accomplished.
What had I accomplished?
Absolutely. Nothing.
It wasn't a conscious decision then, really it wasn't. But in the months since then so much has happened, so many changes. Outwardly, looking at the stark facts of my life, it doesn't seem like anything is different. The changes have been almost all within myself.
I still live in the house I grew up in as a child, I still live with my mother even. I'm still unemployed and uninsured. I am happier than I have been in a long time, I am making positive changes in my life, and, most importantly, I am no longer hopeless and terrified of the future.
Oh, certainly, there are still days when I have to wonder and doubt... maybe there always will be days like that. But those are fewer and growing even more infrequent as time goes on. I have a real, solid, tangible goal with my schooling for the first time in three years. I am below 300lbs for the first time in nearly three years. I have taken time for myself for the first time.... possibly in my life. My best friend has become my girlfriend, my lover, my precious.
My days are no longer comprised of sitting in front of the computer for hours on end desperate for acknowledgement and approval from people I have never met and likely never will. My life no longer revolves around the expectations of the DWRP community. It revolves around me. My wants, my needs, my responsibilities.
I have made so many changes in my life, in my habits, in my opinions and perceptions of myself over the last months. I do not want to return to where I was six months ago. If I have to have a resolution for the new year it is simply that I want to continue to improve. I want to become a better person and help make the people around me better people too. I want to continue to live my life positively and not fall back into the self destructive, negative thoughts that have ruled me for so many years.
I know I have made commitments that I have failed in the past, I know I have gotten in over my head more times than I can count over the last months and I know I have let a lot of you down. I am sorry for that, for my inconsistency and unpredictablility for so long now. I want all of you to know that I appreciate the time you've given me. I have enjoyed playing with all of you, I have enjoyed threads with so many of you. I will forever be a nerd and a fangirl. I will always be a writer at heart. But there is so much else in my life right now that is more important. That is better for me.
So this is, in a way, a very long winded PSA but also a little insight into where I am right now and why. I love RP, I enjoy writing with you all... but it is all going to be very slow and sporadic from here out. I have other obligations, other things that need to come first. Myself, my friends, my family... things that I have neglected for far too long. I am not going to be able to maintain any games and it's not fair to you all for me to even try. As much fun as it sounds I'm not going to give up the progress I've made and that means devoting more time to myself.
Thank you all so much.
6 months ago that thought had me disgusted and terrified. I remember driving home one evening and realizing that the coming school year would be the mark of a full decade since I left high school. That was enough to send me into a vicious "sneaky hate spiral" a downward spin of increasingly dark thoughts about how high school reunions are supposed to be a chance for the underdogs and the downtrodden to show what they've accomplished.
What had I accomplished?
Absolutely. Nothing.
It wasn't a conscious decision then, really it wasn't. But in the months since then so much has happened, so many changes. Outwardly, looking at the stark facts of my life, it doesn't seem like anything is different. The changes have been almost all within myself.
I still live in the house I grew up in as a child, I still live with my mother even. I'm still unemployed and uninsured. I am happier than I have been in a long time, I am making positive changes in my life, and, most importantly, I am no longer hopeless and terrified of the future.
Oh, certainly, there are still days when I have to wonder and doubt... maybe there always will be days like that. But those are fewer and growing even more infrequent as time goes on. I have a real, solid, tangible goal with my schooling for the first time in three years. I am below 300lbs for the first time in nearly three years. I have taken time for myself for the first time.... possibly in my life. My best friend has become my girlfriend, my lover, my precious.
My days are no longer comprised of sitting in front of the computer for hours on end desperate for acknowledgement and approval from people I have never met and likely never will. My life no longer revolves around the expectations of the DWRP community. It revolves around me. My wants, my needs, my responsibilities.
I have made so many changes in my life, in my habits, in my opinions and perceptions of myself over the last months. I do not want to return to where I was six months ago. If I have to have a resolution for the new year it is simply that I want to continue to improve. I want to become a better person and help make the people around me better people too. I want to continue to live my life positively and not fall back into the self destructive, negative thoughts that have ruled me for so many years.
I know I have made commitments that I have failed in the past, I know I have gotten in over my head more times than I can count over the last months and I know I have let a lot of you down. I am sorry for that, for my inconsistency and unpredictablility for so long now. I want all of you to know that I appreciate the time you've given me. I have enjoyed playing with all of you, I have enjoyed threads with so many of you. I will forever be a nerd and a fangirl. I will always be a writer at heart. But there is so much else in my life right now that is more important. That is better for me.
So this is, in a way, a very long winded PSA but also a little insight into where I am right now and why. I love RP, I enjoy writing with you all... but it is all going to be very slow and sporadic from here out. I have other obligations, other things that need to come first. Myself, my friends, my family... things that I have neglected for far too long. I am not going to be able to maintain any games and it's not fair to you all for me to even try. As much fun as it sounds I'm not going to give up the progress I've made and that means devoting more time to myself.
Thank you all so much.