Apr. 21st, 2021 02:20 am
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Zack Taylor Power Rangers (2017) [personal profile] mastodonut
Credence Barebone Fantastic Beasts [personal profile] wicked_and_unnatural
Queenie Goldstein Fantastic Beasts [personal profile] goteachother
Sheva Alomar Resident Evil [personal profile] for_the_fallen
Kallo Jath Mass Effect: Andromeda [personal profile] reminiscendi
Makoto Niijima Persona 5 [personal profile] my_own_merit
Jim Kirk Star Trek (Reboot) [personal profile] get_gone
Deimos Starfighter [personal profile] strashitsya
Edmund Pevensie Chronicles of Narnia [personal profile] ofthewaste
Bridgitte Fitzgerald Ginger Snaps [personal profile] search_and_destroy
Bruce Banner MCU [personal profile] science_of_control
The Witch Into the Woods [personal profile] the_hitch
Hank "Beast" McCoy XMU [personal profile] makingstevensonproud
Penelope Garcia Criminal Minds [personal profile] omnisciently
Kenzi Lost Girl [personal profile] be_your_robin
Atticus O'Sullivan Iron Druid [personal profile] wisdom_of_hounds
Zandakar GodSpeaker [personal profile] sadsaofthesun
Hank "Beast" McCoy Ultimate X-Men [personal profile] fan_servicing
Kira Izuru Bleach [personal profile] descendingly
Renjou Hotsuma UraBoku [personal profile] monstrous_voice
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Roy Harper DCnU (RHatO) [profile] ant_heroic
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Okay this is mostly for me to collect my thoughts and do some pros/cons and idk bounce some ideas around in a logical kind of format. It's gonna be super rambly but I'm hoping getting it all out and potentially getting some feedback on things might help?

My fiancee (Harlow) and my roommate (Jess) moved in with my mother in June. This was partially for financial reasons and partially because my mother wasn't doing well, health wise. She ended up going into the hospital the very end of June and she passed away on July 14th.

During all of this we were waiting for the trailer park to get us the money for our trailer. After 2 months they finally agreed to give us less than half of what we'd wanted for the place. $4500 goes fast when you have bills for 2 houses to pay up. We've paid off all the utilities, the phones and such, gotten everything transferred into my name. The money is gone and we are now at the point where we're not bringing in enough money to maintain things, though. Part of the point of moving in with Mom was because we couldn't afford to pay over $600 in lot rent and all the utilities.

Harlow's health will not allow her to work but fighting to get disability is going to take months if not years, especially at her age. Jess is working pretty much full time and the plan was for me to finish school so I could work in an office/bookkeeping position. A lot of the paperwork that needed to be done in June/July wasn't done because we were dealing with the hospitals, the office about the house, the funeral home, etc etc etc

I was denied financial aid through the local community college and the College I was going to last year completely screwed me over by putting me in a program I had no background in and no hope of doing anything with. So on the side of going back to school I'm absolutely fucked.

Which comes back to the work side of things. The only reason we were staying in this area was because of my mom. My dad, sister, and step mom live a little over an hour North and now my BFF and her daughter are moving out that way too. We can't afford to pay $600 just in lot rent. We'd rather be closer to family, we'd rather be further from the city, we'd rather have more property. We want to train and breed dogs but we're in a trailer park now and we have a very strict limit on number of animals and we're already breaking that. We don't have a yard, we don't have property...

But we can't move when we have no money... but we can't save money when we're paying out the ass just to have a building we *own* sitting on this tiny little spit of grass. I don't know if I should be looking for just *anything* to get us by or if I should try to wait it out and get a job I *want*. I don't know if anyone would give me a chance to do the work I want to do because I don't have a degree. I'm 31 fucking years old and I can't pay my own bills.

Mostly right now I am frustrated and I don't know what to do. Between my health issues (diabetes, PCOS, severe arthritis in one knee and an ankle that's gone through 2 reconstructions) and my mental health issues which have gotten worse over the last few years I don't know if I can handle working another shitty retail job, on my feet for 8-9 hours, busting my ass because that's the kind of person I am while a bunch of asshole teenagers fuck off and make more work for me.

I was doing that a couple months ago and I was in a really really bad place mentally and physically. I was going through ibuprofen like it was fucking candy and I was furious all the time. I broke down crying at or after work at least once a week. I could barely drag myself out of bed and I spent pretty much all of my time not at work wallowing.

Going into winter my knee is only going to get worse and I'm afraid of what that would mean for a retail spot.

I also don't want to find a job I love only to end up moving in a month or two so I'm torn about even going to look at other things.

And this "analysis paralysis" is exactly the kind of thing I have spent my whole life dealing with and I really have to wonder if there isn't something to this whole... ADHD thing that I've been researching and looking into on top of all of this and I'm just-

I don't know what to do.

Fuck. My. Life.


Jul. 19th, 2017 11:33 pm
draconicseraphim: (Default)

Zack Taylor
Power Rangers (2017)

Queenie Goldstein
Fantastic Beasts

Credence Barebone
Fantastic Beasts

Joshua "Jasper" Dyllen
Werewolf: the Apocalypse

Morgan Yu


James T. Kirk
Star Trek

Edmund Pevensie
Chronicles of Narnia

Bridgitte Fitzgerald
Ginger Snaps

Godspeaker Trilogy

Ultraman Orb


Gellert Grindelwald
Harry Potter

Roy Harper

Last of Us

Kira Izuru

Hank "Beast" McCoy
Ultimate X-Men

Atticus O'Sullivan
Iron Druid

Hank "Beast" McCoy

Penelope Garcia
Criminal Minds

Bruce Banner


Jan. 2nd, 2014 04:30 pm
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2014... It's official, it's now 10 years since I left high school.

6 months ago that thought had me disgusted and terrified. I remember driving home one evening and realizing that the coming school year would be the mark of a full decade since I left high school. That was enough to send me into a vicious "sneaky hate spiral" a downward spin of increasingly dark thoughts about how high school reunions are supposed to be a chance for the underdogs and the downtrodden to show what they've accomplished.

What had I accomplished?

Absolutely. Nothing.

It wasn't a conscious decision then, really it wasn't. But in the months since then so much has happened, so many changes. Outwardly, looking at the stark facts of my life, it doesn't seem like anything is different. The changes have been almost all within myself.

I still live in the house I grew up in as a child, I still live with my mother even. I'm still unemployed and uninsured. I am happier than I have been in a long time, I am making positive changes in my life, and, most importantly, I am no longer hopeless and terrified of the future.

Oh, certainly, there are still days when I have to wonder and doubt... maybe there always will be days like that. But those are fewer and growing even more infrequent as time goes on. I have a real, solid, tangible goal with my schooling for the first time in three years. I am below 300lbs for the first time in nearly three years. I have taken time for myself for the first time.... possibly in my life. My best friend has become my girlfriend, my lover, my precious.

My days are no longer comprised of sitting in front of the computer for hours on end desperate for acknowledgement and approval from people I have never met and likely never will. My life no longer revolves around the expectations of the DWRP community. It revolves around me. My wants, my needs, my responsibilities.

I have made so many changes in my life, in my habits, in my opinions and perceptions of myself over the last months. I do not want to return to where I was six months ago. If I have to have a resolution for the new year it is simply that I want to continue to improve. I want to become a better person and help make the people around me better people too. I want to continue to live my life positively and not fall back into the self destructive, negative thoughts that have ruled me for so many years.

I know I have made commitments that I have failed in the past, I know I have gotten in over my head more times than I can count over the last months and I know I have let a lot of you down. I am sorry for that, for my inconsistency and unpredictablility for so long now. I want all of you to know that I appreciate the time you've given me. I have enjoyed playing with all of you, I have enjoyed threads with so many of you. I will forever be a nerd and a fangirl. I will always be a writer at heart. But there is so much else in my life right now that is more important. That is better for me.

So this is, in a way, a very long winded PSA but also a little insight into where I am right now and why. I love RP, I enjoy writing with you all... but it is all going to be very slow and sporadic from here out. I have other obligations, other things that need to come first. Myself, my friends, my family... things that I have neglected for far too long. I am not going to be able to maintain any games and it's not fair to you all for me to even try. As much fun as it sounds I'm not going to give up the progress I've made and that means devoting more time to myself.

Thank you all so much.
draconicseraphim: (Default)
A drabble for Wyn regarding Bruce and contentment

It started as discipline. As a way to ensure that he could maintain that careful control of his body. He could run hard through city streets or mountain trails, he could experience pain, he could take fear and doubt and transform them into tools to keep the monster at bay. It had taken years and he had learned a great many forms as he had done it. The joint locks of Jiu-Jitsu, the fluid motion of capoeira's ginga, the swift decisiveness of krav maga, and the gentle precision of t'ai chi's taolu. They were all familiar to him, even if the use of the more violent forms had waned while his control grew. It was still a way to center himself to use the motion of his body to remind himself, even here in the bustle of the city, that he could control it.

He watched the sun rise over the sleepy city as he moved from one familiar stance to another, as he grew warm with exertion and felt his heart rate increase but also knew in the serenity of the moment that he had nothing to fear. Not here, not in the quiet solitude of his rooftop perch, not with people that were the closest things to friends that he had known in more years than he could count below him beginning their days. There was a routine to the building now. Steve would be back from a morning spent trying to outrun his past any moment, Tony and Clint bickering around the coffee pot as they waited for the precious "life sustaining elixir of the gods", Natasha in a rare moment of rumpled imperfection as she deftly stepped between the bickering men to steal the first cup of coffee before the pot had even finished brewing and vanishing back to her room. Tony would only manage half a cup before Pepper swooped in, graceful as ever, to argue and flirt in equal measure.

And that would be his cue, freshly showered and with a sachet of tea ready to brew. Not that he'd ever use a whole pot but Steve and Thor were both increasingly curious about his tea habits and he'd begun brewing enough for all three of them. If Thor had bothered to crawl out of bed at this hour of the morning, that is.

Idly he had to wonder if the peace this particular discipline brought him was the same as the comfort Tony found in his machines or the way the strain of the years eased from Steve's face when he could take the time to sit down and put pencil to paper. In all the years that it had taken him to establish this particular routine it had never brought that kind of peace before but maybe here, now, knowing with exacting certainty what he would find when he went back inside, knowing that people he trusted, people he might even consider friends, were waiting for him to start their days with him... finally able to embrace in some small way what had happened to him, no longer running from himself or his past... perhaps this was what contentment was.
draconicseraphim: (Default)
Title: All That's Left
Canon: X-Men: First Class
Characters: Hank mostly but everyone really
Word Count: 641
Summary: In which they realize there aren't even pieces left to pick up.

Nothing left to work on, nothing left to save )
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Please credit!
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draconicseraphim: (Default)
Title: Strange Comforts
Canon: Avengers- movieverse
Characters: Stark Spangled Banner
Word Count: 2014
Summary: Part 2! In which Bruce panics, Steve realizes some things, and Tony realizes shit needs fixing. (Part 1 is here)

Gonna see things you might not wanna see... still not that easy for me )
draconicseraphim: (Default)
Title: Strange Comforts
Canon: Avengers- movieverse
Characters: Stark Spangled Banner
Word Count: 1939
Summary: Only I can see lovely Tony/Steve art and get Bruce feels from it.


Read more... )
draconicseraphim: (Default)
Title: Stark Reality
Canon: Avengers- movieverse
Characters: Stark Spangled Banner
Word Count: 1929
Summary: Tony and Steve have had enough with Bruce's self-imposed isolation... so they make him an offer which, coming from Tony, is more like a demand.
Warnings: shamelessly smutty
Tony well and truly rewrote the laws of possibility, of reality, to suit his needs and right now Bruce Banner was his need. )
draconicseraphim: (Default)
Title: Bitter Spite
Canon: Avengers- movieverse
Characters: Bruce, Tony, Steve
Summary: Just a little drabble of Bruce's thoughts when Tony pokes him in the movie.

The shock of that little prod made him jump, startled him, and the associated physical responses were as expected. A brief, small elevation of heart rate, a gasp, and the immediate "Ow!" Even though it hadn't really hurt, not enough for the reaction it got. The word was barely out of his mouth before he was smiling though, fighting back a laugh as he immediately shot a glare over his shoulder at Tony. The other man had intrigued him up till that point but suddenly, in that one moment, he felt more free than he had in almost a decade.
When was the last time someone was confident enough, comfortable enough, brave enough to tease him. It was a friendly, playful curiosity, a small challenge, the kind of thing that happened on a daily basis in his graduate lab, back when he was young, playful..... safe. For that moment, even with Tony giving him that intense, curious stare... he felt surprisingly human.
Then Steve was storming over, being the voice of reason, reminding Tony of what he was playing with. Tony wasn't the one that needed reminding though, was he. No, Tony was playing with fire and that was why he did it, he enjoyed the thrill but it was no different from the way he'd test anyone else with his mannerisms. He poked and prodded and tried to draw people out of their shells, it was just how he was, so overflowing with life that he felt the need to pull everyone up to his level, to wheedle and get under their skin.
It was the reason he challenged Steve for interrupting even, accusing him.
No, Tony didn't need the reminder... He did. He was the one playing along, the one enjoying that little moment of normalcy, the one letting himself react like anyone else instead of immediatly telling Tony what Steve was telling him now. To stop.
He wondered what Steve would say if he knew. Knew that the waver in his control was not because of Tony's antics but because of Steve's response. No offense he says and Bruce flashes a weak awkward smile, a pained look that he can't understand why he's not called on it, waving a hand, dismissing the words.
That didn't change the fact that they stung, that they made that bitter, angry part of himself flare hot through his mind. "The only word that matters" Bullshit. Good ol Steve, always pleasant and polite and trusting but he was the practical one, the soldier. He thought first of his crew and that meant that whatever he wanted his personal opinion to be Bruce would always be a threat, a danger, one more thing to watch out for. If he was going to be damned for the beast within no matter what he did then why did he always try so damned hard.
He knew why, of course he did, and every time he lost control the regret was a little bit keener, made the ache in his chest a little bit sharper. But even so... It hurt, though he should be used to it after this many years, it hurt and it made him spitefully want to prove them right, show them the thing they feared. 
draconicseraphim: (Default)
Just a quick little DC drabble I'm almost afraid to post this. Um... smut? Though pretty tame as far as that goes.  /hides

Countdowns and Crossed Wires )


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