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draconicseraphim) wrote2017-08-25 05:22 pm
draconicseraphim) wrote2017-08-25 05:22 pm
Thought gathering
Okay this is mostly for me to collect my thoughts and do some pros/cons and idk bounce some ideas around in a logical kind of format. It's gonna be super rambly but I'm hoping getting it all out and potentially getting some feedback on things might help?
My fiancee (Harlow) and my roommate (Jess) moved in with my mother in June. This was partially for financial reasons and partially because my mother wasn't doing well, health wise. She ended up going into the hospital the very end of June and she passed away on July 14th.
During all of this we were waiting for the trailer park to get us the money for our trailer. After 2 months they finally agreed to give us less than half of what we'd wanted for the place. $4500 goes fast when you have bills for 2 houses to pay up. We've paid off all the utilities, the phones and such, gotten everything transferred into my name. The money is gone and we are now at the point where we're not bringing in enough money to maintain things, though. Part of the point of moving in with Mom was because we couldn't afford to pay over $600 in lot rent and all the utilities.
Harlow's health will not allow her to work but fighting to get disability is going to take months if not years, especially at her age. Jess is working pretty much full time and the plan was for me to finish school so I could work in an office/bookkeeping position. A lot of the paperwork that needed to be done in June/July wasn't done because we were dealing with the hospitals, the office about the house, the funeral home, etc etc etc
I was denied financial aid through the local community college and the College I was going to last year completely screwed me over by putting me in a program I had no background in and no hope of doing anything with. So on the side of going back to school I'm absolutely fucked.
Which comes back to the work side of things. The only reason we were staying in this area was because of my mom. My dad, sister, and step mom live a little over an hour North and now my BFF and her daughter are moving out that way too. We can't afford to pay $600 just in lot rent. We'd rather be closer to family, we'd rather be further from the city, we'd rather have more property. We want to train and breed dogs but we're in a trailer park now and we have a very strict limit on number of animals and we're already breaking that. We don't have a yard, we don't have property...
But we can't move when we have no money... but we can't save money when we're paying out the ass just to have a building we *own* sitting on this tiny little spit of grass. I don't know if I should be looking for just *anything* to get us by or if I should try to wait it out and get a job I *want*. I don't know if anyone would give me a chance to do the work I want to do because I don't have a degree. I'm 31 fucking years old and I can't pay my own bills.
Mostly right now I am frustrated and I don't know what to do. Between my health issues (diabetes, PCOS, severe arthritis in one knee and an ankle that's gone through 2 reconstructions) and my mental health issues which have gotten worse over the last few years I don't know if I can handle working another shitty retail job, on my feet for 8-9 hours, busting my ass because that's the kind of person I am while a bunch of asshole teenagers fuck off and make more work for me.
I was doing that a couple months ago and I was in a really really bad place mentally and physically. I was going through ibuprofen like it was fucking candy and I was furious all the time. I broke down crying at or after work at least once a week. I could barely drag myself out of bed and I spent pretty much all of my time not at work wallowing.
Going into winter my knee is only going to get worse and I'm afraid of what that would mean for a retail spot.
I also don't want to find a job I love only to end up moving in a month or two so I'm torn about even going to look at other things.
And this "analysis paralysis" is exactly the kind of thing I have spent my whole life dealing with and I really have to wonder if there isn't something to this whole... ADHD thing that I've been researching and looking into on top of all of this and I'm just-
I don't know what to do.
Fuck. My. Life.
My fiancee (Harlow) and my roommate (Jess) moved in with my mother in June. This was partially for financial reasons and partially because my mother wasn't doing well, health wise. She ended up going into the hospital the very end of June and she passed away on July 14th.
During all of this we were waiting for the trailer park to get us the money for our trailer. After 2 months they finally agreed to give us less than half of what we'd wanted for the place. $4500 goes fast when you have bills for 2 houses to pay up. We've paid off all the utilities, the phones and such, gotten everything transferred into my name. The money is gone and we are now at the point where we're not bringing in enough money to maintain things, though. Part of the point of moving in with Mom was because we couldn't afford to pay over $600 in lot rent and all the utilities.
Harlow's health will not allow her to work but fighting to get disability is going to take months if not years, especially at her age. Jess is working pretty much full time and the plan was for me to finish school so I could work in an office/bookkeeping position. A lot of the paperwork that needed to be done in June/July wasn't done because we were dealing with the hospitals, the office about the house, the funeral home, etc etc etc
I was denied financial aid through the local community college and the College I was going to last year completely screwed me over by putting me in a program I had no background in and no hope of doing anything with. So on the side of going back to school I'm absolutely fucked.
Which comes back to the work side of things. The only reason we were staying in this area was because of my mom. My dad, sister, and step mom live a little over an hour North and now my BFF and her daughter are moving out that way too. We can't afford to pay $600 just in lot rent. We'd rather be closer to family, we'd rather be further from the city, we'd rather have more property. We want to train and breed dogs but we're in a trailer park now and we have a very strict limit on number of animals and we're already breaking that. We don't have a yard, we don't have property...
But we can't move when we have no money... but we can't save money when we're paying out the ass just to have a building we *own* sitting on this tiny little spit of grass. I don't know if I should be looking for just *anything* to get us by or if I should try to wait it out and get a job I *want*. I don't know if anyone would give me a chance to do the work I want to do because I don't have a degree. I'm 31 fucking years old and I can't pay my own bills.
Mostly right now I am frustrated and I don't know what to do. Between my health issues (diabetes, PCOS, severe arthritis in one knee and an ankle that's gone through 2 reconstructions) and my mental health issues which have gotten worse over the last few years I don't know if I can handle working another shitty retail job, on my feet for 8-9 hours, busting my ass because that's the kind of person I am while a bunch of asshole teenagers fuck off and make more work for me.
I was doing that a couple months ago and I was in a really really bad place mentally and physically. I was going through ibuprofen like it was fucking candy and I was furious all the time. I broke down crying at or after work at least once a week. I could barely drag myself out of bed and I spent pretty much all of my time not at work wallowing.
Going into winter my knee is only going to get worse and I'm afraid of what that would mean for a retail spot.
I also don't want to find a job I love only to end up moving in a month or two so I'm torn about even going to look at other things.
And this "analysis paralysis" is exactly the kind of thing I have spent my whole life dealing with and I really have to wonder if there isn't something to this whole... ADHD thing that I've been researching and looking into on top of all of this and I'm just-
I don't know what to do.
Fuck. My. Life.